Ho paura

“This is what I see, what I feel. This nature within me binds me, supports me, and pushes me forward.”

When I started painting “I’m scared,” I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Classic, it’s often like that. I started painting with the intention of not having a path to follow. Why? I don’t know, a challenge? Probably. Having complete freedom? Well, that’s a challenge, haha.

I started with the background, using fluorescent colours that are now well hidden, and I set out to portray someone. Now I know it’s me.

I never intended to create a realistic portrait, and I tend to use colours that are unconventional for skin tones, because I like my characters not to have a recognisable ethnicity. What I paint is internal, and in some way, I hope, universal.

Eyes bulging, cracked with blood. A snail makes room to emerge and see what’s happening. The hands form a “wall,” trying to create distance, to keep out what’s happening outside. The bare branches create a net, enveloping the figure, holding it, almost protecting it. But from what?
One interpretation I’ve given is this, and it’s hurting me: I prefer to stay in my pain and observe, judging the ugliness and pain outside, deluding myself that I’m not part of it.

Yes, it is an illusion because the truth is I’m participating indirectly, held back by fear, judgment, and the ugliness I might encounter. This hurts me because a form of freedom is “having the possibility to choose”, and I’d like to turn fear into an ally rather than letting it hold me back. With this awareness, I am trying to transform this trap into a support system to move forward, to see what’s out there and play my game. Live my life.